Gremlin Army Wargames.


Since Tuesday there has been an evil gremlin in my throat, relentlessly rubbing away at my mucous membrane with (course-grained) sand paper.  Gremlin doesn’t know who he’s dealing with.  As the week progressed, I soldiered on turning a blind eye to the mounting threat.

Friday morning 7am, I put on my size 6’s and propelled myself out to work.  Throat raw, breath like something dredged out of a septic tank, I stared Gremlin down, refusing to  concede defeat.  Collecting various weapons to fill my armoury, I declared war on the little blighter.  Medicated lozenges ready for launching and Lemsip in hand, I hijacked Gremlin and his secret army of helpers (I know one of them is playing with a flame thrower in there), awaiting an easing of hostilities.

As the day wore on, thoughts that I had greatly underestimated the power of Gremlin started to materialise as the raw pain spread from my throat upwards.  Now my soft palate was affected and my neck was starting to feel sore.  I tentatively approached the glands under my jaw and prodded gently to see if they were enlarged.  Bugger.  No surrender!    More Lemsip, heater on and scarf wrapped round my neck, I continued to plug away in the office (clock watching) as my head started to pound.

Since Gremlin was clearly fighting dirty, I decided it was time to bring out the big guns.

As soon as I got home,  it was straight into the kitchen to dig out the Weapons of Mass Destruction.  Gargling with a mountain of salt and hot water for what seemed hours, I swore my throat was beginning to feel less painful as the gremlin enemy lines burst from osmotic genocide.  The strength of the solution may also have dissolved the lining of my throat as well as the Gremlins residing there at the time, who can say?  I think I might have overdone the quantities somewhat however, after accidentally swallowing some of the salt water and almost causing my eyes to haemorrhage from the retching that ensued.  I decided that tactic probably wasn’t the best move (for my own welfare), so motioned for a less drastic game plan.

On the advice of Mother Dear, I opted for the hot water, lemon and honey solution for some brief comfort.  At this point, my throat felt so inflamed and rough that I could have turned it inside out and used it as a grater.

Whilst both sides recouped their energies against the salt/water onslaught, I changed strategy suggesting a temporary ceasefire.  I was contemplating the ‘Trojan Horse’ approach with the comforting hot water/lemon/honey option – hoping that I could scald the Gremlin army to death, whilst any remaining vitamin C left in the lemon might form a secondary attack.  I clearly had underestimated my nemesis.  The discomfort was only eased for a short time before enemy ranks multiplied and attacked with renewed vigor.

I’m not great taker of tablets, but my ‘natural’ armoury was running perilously low and I had nowhere left to run.  Reluctantly I dosed up with Paracetamol.  My throat on fire and so painful, I almost choked on the foul-tasting bullets whilst forcing them down with cooling water.  I couldn’t help but hope I’d drown some of the resilient little bastards at the same time.

This morning I woke up and surrendered.  My entire head has been taken over by enemy troops.  Even my eyes hurt.  The Gremlin Army is victorious.

Defeated, I’m going back to bed.

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